Losing Kyrie

No one ever told me it could happen to me, until it did. The women I grew up around weren't having these conversations. The women I grew up with weren't having these conversations either. So when it happened to me it took me completely by surprise. I mean, I knew it could happen just not to me. It wasn't common where I was from or so I thought. Plus carrying a baby was natural for me. Never experienced any medical issues during my prior pregnancies. The most I feared was losing my life giving birth, but that conversation is for another day. For now, let's talk about what would go down as one of the worst days of my life. 

February 7, 2022 was one of the worst days of my life. What was supposed to be a routine check in on my current pregnancy, turned out to be nothing but a normal day for me and my husband. We had just celebrated my husband's birthday, which was the day prior, that weekend.

He hadn't come to any of my prior appointments for this pregnancy. This was our 4th pregnancy together. We already have 2 beautiful boys ages 6 and 2. We found out we were pregnant earlier in 2021. We decided to terminate that pregnancy as it wasn't in the plans, especially mine. He supported me and my decision. Fast forward to 8 months later and we found out we were pregnant again. Again, my husband ultimately left the decision up to me and this time I decided another baby must have been in God's plan for us, so I decided to carry out the pregnancy. 

In truth, my mindset was a bit negative towards this pregnancy. I had other plans that again did not include another baby. I was still willing and ready to do whatever was necessary to focus on myself, my career and my children. I thought, maybe I would finally get my girl after having 3 boys and a bonus son. That was the upside to me bringing another life into this world. Another little person who depends on me. The pressure was really on to do what needed to be done and that was to start and continue to pursue my dreams. 

Back to that day! It was a nice and sunny day. I remember it so vividly. I remember being so excited for my husband to finally see and hear our new babies heart beat. That would never happen. 

I was only able to go into the examination room alone due to COVID, while my husband waited for me in the waiting area. The first nurse that greeted me was so young and sweet. As she began the ultrasound, she had asked me a question that stood out to me, but didn't really alarm me at the time. She had asked if my other children were active babies in the wound. I told her they were and how difficult they had made it for the nurses to capture good pictures of them for the doctor. We laughed and then she said, "this one must be sleeping." 

Still, nothing in my mind told me anything was wrong until another nurse came in. I paid attention to her face, to her reactions. She was very professional, but I guess it was those motherly instincts that had me feeling like something wasn't right. Finally after much probing and me now being very uncomfortable and worried. She told me to get dressed and to go upstairs to see the doctor. I immediately knew something was wrong because my doctor had canceled my follow-up meeting with her for that day earlier. 

I walked out into the waiting area to meet my husband and told him to come with me. I let him know that I thought something was wrong and that I was scared. In husbae fashion 🥰 he let me know that everything was going to be ok. When they called us back to see the doctor, they sat us in an examination room. My heart was racing at this point. Not prepared at all for the news I was about to receive. 

The doctor walked in and her face said it all before she could. She sat down, looked at me and said, "I'm so sorry, but the nurses aren't able to find a heartbeat." I froze! Then I asked her to repeat herself. When she did, I immediately broke. My entire world came crashing down in that moment. I couldn't breathe and I wanted to die. The room became smaller and dark. Everyone from the doctors to my husband was trying to console me. None of it mattered because there wasn't a damn thing that anyone could do or say to make all of this go away. 

I asked the doctor to do another ultrasound because I needed to see it for myself. When she placed the ultrasound gel on my belly and moved the wand over my stomach, I broke down again because the sound of silence was so loud. I remember my husband asking what's going on and I responded "nothing! Absolutely nothing. There is no heartbeat." I watched my husband place his head in his hands and start to cry. In that moment I wanted to be strong for him. I had to be, because we needed to get me to the hospital and get the baby out. 

I called my mom, his mom and my neice to tell them the news. I asked my husband to drive to my parents house so I could hold my babies before he took me to the hospital. My children were heartbroken when I told them the baby was gone. My 6 year old took it the hardest, crying uncontrollably. Again, I knew I had to be strong for all of them. I would have my time to mourn, but for now I had to get my baby out so that I could make it back home to my other babies. 

To be continued..........